Parenting is hard.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Here is encouragement for parents who are like me.

I can probably be accused of “over-thinking” this whole parenting thing. Feeding, bathing, and diapering a baby is one thing. And, when Jack was a newborn, I was completely overwhelmed by the night feedings, the constant diaper changing, and the general sacrifice that comes with having a baby who depends on you for everything. But, a new baby stays in one place when you leave the room. A newborn doesn’t tell you “no” when you ask him to pick up his toys. A baby doesn’t get angry and throw one toy because it won’t fit properly into a toy from another set. A baby may cry when he’s hungry, but he doesn’t throw his head against his highchair because he’s disgusted that you gave him water instead of milk. Oh, and your newborn doesn’t start running for the road giggling because you’re chasing him and yelling “stop!” These are the things that a toddler does.

Many nights after Jack would go to bed, I would stay awake thinking, “I was too harsh today.” Or, “I was too easily frustrated by the things he did.” Or, “Nothing I do seems to make a difference in his behavior.” Or, “I hope he knows I still love him even when he gets disciplined.” I pray for wisdom and patience, but some days I feel like I fail greatly in both areas. Some days I think, “I am simply not cut out for this. I don’t know why I think I can do this.”

Ned and I have been trying to teach Jack to sit with us in church. He has had this running cold for weeks so we have not been putting him in children’s ministry. It isn’t exactly natural for a toddler to want to stay sitting and quiet during a whole church service. One Sunday Jack hit me because I wouldn’t put him down during worship. Another Sunday he spent most of the service trying to escape so he could run around the building. Ned and I grew discouraged and had no idea how to teach Jack to sit and to be quiet. Later that day, Ned said to me, “Hannah, I don’t know for sure if this is from God, but I think it is. I feel like we just need to carry on with what we’re doing and we will see results.”

Well, I think we are starting to see the fruits of our parenting. I’m not saying that Jack always listens to us, or that he doesn’t still throw tantrums, or that he eats all of his vegetables or something, but there is definitely improvement. A few months ago I took Jack to the library. He was EVERYwhere. He didn’t care at all when I asked him to stay with me. Yesterday, my Mom and I took him back to the library.  He wanted to explore the whole building, but when I told him “no,” he actually listened! Oh, and here’s something else really exciting! Last Sunday he sat in his Ammie’s lap for the entire sermon! He was such a good boy!

                         
                      











So, if you’re like me, and you feel like you’re flailing in this parenting thing… there is hope. Your daily parenting IS making a difference, even when it feels like your efforts are as effective as trying to fill the Grand Canyon with one bucket of water at a time.

Headline: Desperate stay-at-home-mom stays off boredom by incessantly tickling her 20-month-old and eating cookies (darn you everyone for bringing tempting desserts to my house).

           Sometimes it is good to put things into perspective. Let’s be quite blunt here. Why would anyone want to have children?

            Do you have children because you want to birth someone who is just like you? Because you have some narcissistic complex and think you can have prodigies that will somehow further your own greatness? Ha. Ha. Ha. Funny. Considering you can’t even predetermine their eye color, gender or disposition it is highly unlikely that you will be able to mold them into some kind of mini clone. The only way this will work is if you have been cursed by your mother who said I hope you have a child just like you. But of course when a mother says this she isn’t saying it because she thinks you were a gem of a child to raise. She’s saying it because you were a royal pain and she hopes one day you will ask for her forgiveness for giving her heck.

            Do you have children because finally a person in your life who will ALWAYS love you. First of all, I have to say, I’ve always thought this was a creepy reason to have children. You’d bring a person in the world just so they will love you? Talk about complexes. But also, let’s get real. Yes, your children will love you. But, they will spend a whole great portion of their lives being extremely selfish. It isn’t because they’re hateful little monsters. It’s because they’re children. They have to learn to be gracious, loving and charitable. That’s where your job comes in. You have to teach them these attributes. They will hug you and kiss you and want your attention, but pretty much on their terms. And you can’t really take it personally when they push you away when you need a hug. They’re just children.

            Do you have children because you are biologically incapable of not having them? I’m sure that there is a natural instinct to have children that is pretty strong. I have no doubt. But, I don’t think that can account for all of it.

            So why do we do it? What would make a woman want to go through pregnancy, labor, delivery and post-partum care of a newborn? What makes us willing to lose sleep, tears, time, dreams, solitude and freedom?

            Well, I can’t speak for everyone. But I think I know why I have children and why I didn’t stop at one.

            I see great value in children. I think God did put this child-desire in mothers and fathers. I think that God wanted us to realize in a small way how he loves us. It was no accident that God refers to himself as our Father. He could have referenced any other kind of relationship – he could have distanced himself from us because his greatness is incomparable. However, he calls himself “Father.” This is an intimate, deep and loving way for God to refer to himself. And I believe our love for our children is to be guided by the way that God loves us. God loved us so much that he sent Jesus to save us. And I believe that many parents would sacrifice their greatest treasure in order to save their own children. There aren’t many relationships in which we would be so inclined to be selfless. You can have a great love for your spouse, but that relationship is more of a reciprocal relationship. Your love for your child is unconditional. You look at your newborn and you don’t love them because they create riveting conversation, or because they are so smart, or funny, or good-looking, or because they love you so much. You love them because you honestly cannot help yourself. They are precious beyond compare and you’re so GRATEFUL that you were blessed with them being in your life.         

            And the other reason that I have children is because I think children are so awesome. I have always loved them. I love watching them discover life. I love watching their personalities and interests develop. I love the way that four-year-olds are extremely honest about their thoughts and emotions. I love that five-year-olds are hilarious as well as frank. I love that twelve-year-olds have great dreams and are beginning to form their thoughts on the world. I love that teenagers are taking all their childhood years and determining what kind of people they are going to be when they are “fully” raised. I love the whole process and I am so very very very honored to be a part of it. And as I watch Curious George 2 for the millionth time, or change another poopy diaper, or cry because I think I can’t handle another tantrum from my toddler, I am reminded that I am gifted with the responsibility of molding a precious human life. I am charged with raising a soul that will go out in the world and be a voice in humankind. A child who will most likely be a father himself. I pray that I do a good job and that my boys will not know a day without the love of the Father that we both share.

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it. -Thomas Fuller

I’ve been missing my husband pretty sorely these past few weeks. I think part of the struggle is that we’ve now celebrated the baby-can-come-at-any-time threshold. That’s a wonderful thing! But, it makes me realize that we are very near the end. My body is going through something I’ve never experienced before – the last month of pregnancy – and I really wish my husband could be here with me through these weeks.

This is a 34 week shot. The way I'm standing or
the angle makes my stomach look smaller than it is.
But, I like the picture because Jack is actually interacting
with his brother. (sort of).

            Partly I wish he were here to pamper me. I’ll be honest. I’d like somebody to come home in the evening and say, “Hey babe (not that he calls me babe), I’ll watch the toddler, you put your feet up and watch desperate housewives (even though we don’t watch that show). How about I make dinner? Yes, I can absolutely make all of your favorite dishes. You just relax.”

            The other reason I want him home is because this having a baby thing is pretty intimate between a man and his wife.  Not just in the obvious way (duh….). What I mean is, when our first child was born I felt closer to Ned than I ever had before. Our child was in the NICU and we were both overwhelmed with the love we felt for this baby. We didn’t know anything about him but he was already so infinitely precious and important and… let me just say. No one can prepare you for the love you have for your baby. And let me tell you something else, no one could prepare me for the amount of love I would also have for my husband. I already loved him a great deal, but I think what was so special is that my focus shifted from just being about our relationship. We had more in common than our marriage and that common interest was wearing diapers and sleeping and when we looked at him, we thought we might never be the same (and we weren’t).

            I want my husband around for those moments leading up to this baby’s arrival. I want him to be a part of all of it. And it does make me sad that he will be missing whole weeks of baby Finn’s growth post-partum.

            But let me take a moment and reflect on the positives for this time apart.

1)     I think Ned and I have actually grown closer during these past weeks of absence. We infinitely value our weekends together. These times apart have really helped us cherish one another and to show us how much we really care about each other.

2)     I’ve grown closer to my son. I have learned to value each little moment with him and I adore watching him grow. At times does try my patience (especially as my body grows more and more uncomfortable), but he is so dear to my heart and has only become more so since I have been charged with all of the Monday- Friday around the clock care. He is such a blessing to me and I am so thankful that God has given him to us.

my loves in september 2011

3)     I have learned to ask people for help. I truly hate asking people for help. I’m not sure if it severe shyness, pride or my upbringing that causes this (or all three), but it is REALLY hard for me to ask someone outside of my family for help. I feel awkward, lazy, no-good and like I owe someone something if I ask for help. It’s kind of pathetic, but I will mentally think of all the things I’ve done for that person to see if it merits asking them for help. I think if my deeds don’t outweigh theirs, that they will judge me. Isn’t God good to put us in situations that make us vulnerable? Isn’t that just another way to show us how much we need God and others?

4)     I am more sensitive to others in need. I am more understanding when other people need help. I am less likely to judge their situations and I feel more empathetic towards them. It isn’t wrong for me to ask for help, and it isn’t wrong for someone else to need help. It may already seem obvious that other people need help, but there’s nothing quite so convincing as personal experience. And my personal experience shows me that people in need are not less than I am. Needing help from another person may be a sign of weakness (because we are all weak), but it does not mean that people in need are of less value. Again, isn’t God so good to show me the inconsistencies of my heart?

5)     I have grown closer to my friends since Ned has been away. It is pretty easy for me to hole up in my house and keep my world relatively small. Needing other people in my life has opened my heart to growing friendships and to expanding the amount of people I let in my life. It certainly wasn’t a matter of not liking people before, but this period in our life has helped me find time to nurture other relationships. I think this is one of the biggest surprise blessings. God doesn’t just allow me to suffer in order to grow, he also allows me to have joy in my life in order to grow.

6)     My husband is happier. I’m not saying he’s happier because he isn’t around us (I know he misses us like we miss him). And our time apart is mutually bittersweet. But, when my husband was working his previous job there was a lack of joy in his life. I am not suggesting that God can’t give us contentment in any situation, but I AM suggesting that God loves us so much that he opens paths for us that are more fulfilling and suited for our desires. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to see my husband smiling when he comes home for the weekend. There is simply a change in his demeanor. Not to mention that I am overjoyed by the ways that God is growing his character as well (but that’s something he can write about in his blog, should he desire to do so J ).

7)     I have hope for the future. I think this job is a good life choice for our family. This year is a pretty big sacrifice for our family, but I think the results are going to be worth it. I am excited for the places that God will take us and the opportunities we will have to meet new people. I also think that this job will be a good experience for our boys (and possible future children). And since I am one who loves adventure, I am really just thrilled that we have selected an unconventional life.  

Off the cuff post that started as a Facebook Status Update

47, 32.75.

I am learning how to just have fun with Jack and still accomplish the things I need to get done. Not looking at every day as a 10-15 hour shift. Life as a Monday-Friday single Mom can be challenging, and will only become more challenging when I am no longer pregnant, but am actually caring for two boys. I can't wait to meet Finn, but I am also anxious about the changes. Afraid my laundry and dishes will become a raging consuming monster (assuming that I take the time to cook and eat during those early days).

But, I am also excited for the challenge and know that this is where God grows my character the most. I know that God will not give me more than I can handle because God will be there with me: At the 10  o'clock nursing, and the 11 o'clock nursing, and the 11:24 o'clock tuck- him-back-into-bed-time, and the 12 o'clock I think I am going to cry from exhaustion nursing, and the 1 o'clock I-don't-know-why-I-just-woke-up-on-my-own-the-baby-is-still-sleeping-but-I-will-check-on-him-to-make-sure-he-is-still-breathing-time, and the 2:00 o'clock I don't know why my dog thought she would get a turn to go out and pee time, and the 4 o'clock thank-you-God I got to sleep for two hours this time nursing, and the 4:45 o'clock Jack wanted to be a part of the party time, and the 5:00 o'clock baby and Mom are asleep nursing, and the 8:00 o'clock Jack, cat, and dog are all ready to start the day because that is our routine time.

31 weeks, I think

Yes, I am thinking that if the dust bunnies start rolling during those first few months, that just might be okay (they do now and we seem to be okay). And if I take my sleep-deprived butt to the grocery store please don't be alarmed if you see me and I don't see you. Or if I am a bit snappish. Or possibly crying. Or have that vacant I-haven't-showered-and -I-don't-know-what-I-look-like look. I don't want to know what I look like. If you dare talk to me, just tell me I look beautiful and my children look healthy. And maybe offer to help carry my groceries.

One day a man will spring, worth loving

We are counting down and counting up to some pretty big events.

Counting up: baby Finn is now 31 weeks 2 days. Keep in there, kiddo!

Counting down: Ned now has 48 weeks of training left! That’s a lot better than 50.

                        One toddler covered in spaghetti and sauce.

                        One baby somersaulting and kicking his mother under the ribs.

                        One husband driving home for the weekend.

                        One momma writing a blog.

                        Homeward bound

I wish I was

Homeward bound

Home, where my thought's escaping

Home, where my music's playing

Home, where my love lies waiting

Silently for me

                        Was going to write more, but seems like I’m more interested in song lyrics and short sentences than an actual thorough post.

Hannah Plain and Tall

Naming a kid is hard.

Sometimes we try to think of family names to include in our kid’s name. Apparently there’s a “Tobias” somewhere in Ned’s family history. I can’t get past the “never-nude” from Arrested Development to even give that name a chance.

I’m 27 weeks pregnant. Our baby’s room is a pile of good intentions and unused furniture. I’m currently trying to expose this baby to all of my favorite music so it knows what’s up when it comes into the world. That’s far more important than painting his room.

Yes, that’s right, we found out that we’re having a boy. I really thought I would like to wait until this baby was born to know its gender. Well, I didn’t. I was convinced I was having a girl, and since I have zero girl items, I wanted to know if I needed to buy soft pink colors for everything. Sure, sure, no one is going to yell at me if she’s wearing her big brother’s onesies, but… come on. If you were having a girl, wouldn’t you want to buy dresses and leggings and little mary-jane shoes? Of course you would.

Finn is currently kicking me under the ribs. Hey little man, that hurts! But, I guess you’re not the first. Oh, yes, we’re thinking of naming this little rascal Finnegan. More on that name after bit.

See, the other reason I wanted to know if we were having a boy or girl is because I wanted a little security in my life. It may not seem like a big deal for those people who happily wait until delivery to find the gender, but I found some comfort in knowing something now that will effect my life forever. The thing is, there are about to be a lot of great BIG LIFE ALTERING (and incredibly close?) things happening with our little family. I like lists, so I thought this would make it easier to explain.

1.    For the past year my husband has been testing, interviewing, testing, testing, interviewing, driving to Harrisburg, driving back from Harrisburg, testing some more, Driving to Harrisburg again… to get a job with the Pennsylvania Game Commission. Well, all that driving, interviewing, crying (Ned is such a cry-baby), and testing finally came to a successful end: He got the job!!!

2.    Well, this is just the beginning. Since he has agreed to become a Game Warden for the PGC, he has also agreed to attend a year-long training in Harrisburg, PA. Sorry, Read: No Family Allowed. I imagine the creators of this program were life-time bachelors who could only be tamed long enough to get some training so they could again return to their natural habitat: The Wild Woods of Pennsylvania.

3.    Okay, so after the year long training is over Ned returns home, right? Well, mostly right. After the year is over we will then be told where in Pennsylvania we’ll be living. It could be close, or we could be on the other side of the state. So, the good news is I get to leave my rotten kitchen behind. The bad news is, a lot of unknowns ahead! And potentially being further from our friends and family than we want to be.

4.    Did I mention that I am having a baby? Oh yeah, that’s right…I’m due May 31^st, a few months after Ned leaves for training. Hoping, Wishing, Praying that Finn takes a lesson from his brother and bakes longer than 35 weeks.

5.    I’m thinking I should rename my blog: Hannah Tall and Plain: The Story of a Game Warden’s Wife. Okay, so that’s a joke…maybe.

So, my thinking is, anyone who says: “Well, if God wanted you to know what sex the baby, he would have put a window in your belly” can just well…whatever phrase would be appropriate for: Leave me be.

And, the reason I like the name Finn? It actually comes from a book that I loved when I was in highschool. A Separate Peace. It isn’t just that I like the book, but I particularly loved the character in the book named Finny. He’s the type of boy that you wish were your friend. Here’s a description of him ripped from Sparknotes (the online version, naturally):

Finny is honest, handsome, self-confident, disarming, extremely likable, and the best athlete in the school; in short, he seems perfect in almost every way. He has a talent for engaging others with his spontaneity and sheer joy of living, and, while he frequently gets into trouble, he has the ability to talk his way out of almost any predicament. According to Gene, he is rare among human beings in that he never perceives anyone as an enemy, and never strives to defeat others. Finny’s behaviors also suggest that he relishes pure achievement rather than competition. His fatal flaw is that he assumes that everyone is like him—that everyone shares his enthusiastic and good-natured spirit.

If I ended up with a boy like that, I really wouldn’t mind at all.

With all of these changes and unknowns, where does that leave me? Well, some days are better than others. At this point it is all anticipation and no reality. I can create really terrible scenarios in which this is the worst decision of our lives. What can I say? I’m soooo creative. But -- and I’m not just saying this to cover my butt and make sure I say the “right” thing -- I do know that God will provide. I don’t think Ned and I have ever prayed about any decision more than we have this one. Not even our choice to have children was given this much consideration. I believe that God is leading us down this path and that only he really knows what is ahead. Sure, absolutely, there will be days when I will feel sorry for myself. There will be sleepless nights when I may want to yell at Ned for not being around. There will be times when I feel useless and lonely and sad. I expect to be sad sometimes. Everyone is sad when their best friend isn’t around as much. There will be times when Ned feels like this, too. But, I know, I know, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I also know that God loves my little family and I have personally experienced the way that God has provided for me in the past. God doesn’t simply limit my blessings to the things I need not to starve, he gives me abundantly more than this, and he always has. I don’t expect this to change in the future, even when things are difficult.

27 weeks (March 2, 2012 Dr. Seuss's birthday)

So, welcome, welcome, Finnegan (Some Middle Name) Kimmel. Stay put until you’re big enough to be healthy. But, welcome, welcome, we love you, and we rejoice that God has decided to give the world another life. May you be a blessing to this world. 

Love Christ; Hate the Christian.

John 15:17-20

New International Version (NIV)

17 This is my command: Love each other.

The World Hates the Disciples

    18 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20 Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’[a] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also.

            I have been thinking about these verses a lot lately.

Number one: Should I care if people hate me?

Number two: Do people hate Christians because they follow Christ, or do they hate them because they truly are hypocritical unloving monsters who, like the Pharisees, love to judge others and point out their sin?

Number three: If I SHOULD care, what should my reasons be?

            It is undeniable that Christians as a general mass have created a somewhat sordid and imperfect past and present. There have been many things done and said in the name of Christ that, from my armchair viewpoint, should not have been said or done. You can fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind. There are plenty of things to choose from. Christians can be a pretty easy target to show imperfection. I personally think that is because the devil loves to create reasons for the world to see Christians as hypocritical undesirables. And it is also because Christians ARE imperfect. We are sanctified by Christ and transformed by our faith. That does not mean that we always do the right thing. It does not mean that we always have the right words, or that we always walk in wisdom. It clearly does not mean that our opinions are popular, and we clearly don’t always express those unpopular opinions in ways that would glorify God. I can’t tell you how many times I have talked to my husband about the fine line between standing up for what we believe in and wisely keeping our traps shut. We have both muddied that line.

            Another thing, which I think is a complete travesty, is that Christianity has become (or always has been?) a political weapon. I am not for one second saying that Christians should stay out of politics, or that they shouldn’t be activists, or that they shouldn’t run for office. What I am saying is that God so greatly transcends any political debate that we have here on Earth that it is almost laughable that our faith in Him could become a pawn in a comparatively insignificant game. Jesus said to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s. He knew that the people were trying to trap him into a political debate. He also knew that the business that he was accomplishing on Earth was infinitely more important than whether or not Caesar collected taxes (Mark 12: 14-17). 

Photo credit: NDK

            Conservative, fundamentalist Christian. Kind of sounds like a swear word, doesn’t it? And why shouldn’t it be? When was the last time you watched, or read, something – the news, films, books, articles, tv shows – in which a Christian was portrayed as an actually decent person? Politicians touting on about conservative moral ideals generally come across as tight-lipped-big-business-severely-judgemental-war-monger-environment-killing-anti-poor-women-gay-black-hispanic… you get the picture. If there’s a Christian on a show of predominantly non-Christian folk, watch out. That Christian is at best going to come across as some ultra-naïve dumb girl who will someday be sexually liberated. At worst the character will be an extremely severe, annoying kill-joy who secretly wants to join in any kind of sin-filled outing everyone else is partaking in. Or better yet –the Christian spinster woman. She’s awful. She comes to the main character’s door and tells them that their Buddhist statue on the lawn is a blight on an otherwise wonderful community. Good thing we as the viewers know she’s just a nasty old hag that no one loves.

            And why should I be concerned about people hating Christians? Why should I be concerned if they (we) are mocked? Is it because my pride is hurt? Is it because I want everyone to think I have the best answers to all of the world’s problems? No. Obviously. No. (Even if my prideful side desires it). Is it because I want to see conservative right-wing agendas passed through congress? As stated earlier: No. My main concern should be how Christ is represented – and about the people of the world that are lost souls.

            I am sure it sounds like a cliché to be concerned about the “lost of the world.” After the above description of Christians it is hard to imagine that we have any room left in our hearts to actually love people. But, at least speaking for myself, that is a HUGE concern of my heart. When I was in college I got into a conversation with a friend who was not a Christian. We were in a horror film study class and we were discussing Invasion of the Body Snatchers for a class project. The main character in that book realized that something horrible was happening to the townsfolk. When he tried to warn the people in the town, they thought he was crazy. I told my friend that that’s what being a Christian is like sometimes.

            Sometimes it can be extremely discouraging to be a Christian. Not because I feel like the victim of the media, but because I see the harm in such a distasteful portrayal. Not everyone who claims to be a Christian has the right intention in their heart, but I have had the privilege of knowing quite a few of them.

Imagine knowing something so important that you feel like if you don’t share it, you might actually explode. Imagine feeling that if you don’t share it – you’re actually being an extremely selfish human being.

Now imagine a great feast (I love food, I hope this analogy works for you like it does for me). At this feast are all of your favorite foods – for me it would be like, a salad with feta cheese for starters, and then olives, rice, lemon chicken, fresh mozzarella and delicious out of the oven baked bread. I would also have a tasty mixed drink. This feast would be relaxed. We would have wonderful conversation. At the end of it – after we have finished our tiramisu – we would sit back and sip hot drinks and simply enjoy each other’s company. Meanwhile, there are people outside of our warm little glowing cottage who are eating dirt. They’re also freezing. We know they’re outside eating dirt. We know they’re cold. One time we lamely invited them inside, but mostly we keep to ourselves. They don’t ask to come in, and we don’t offer. We figure it’s better that way because it is better to keep out of their business. If they want to eat dirt, that’s up to them. We have our Turkish Delights and that’s good enough for us. This would be my definition of neutrality.

1 Corinthians 9: 16 Yet when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, for I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!