Headline: Desperate stay-at-home-mom stays off boredom by incessantly tickling her 20-month-old and eating cookies (darn you everyone for bringing tempting desserts to my house).

           Sometimes it is good to put things into perspective. Let’s be quite blunt here. Why would anyone want to have children?

            Do you have children because you want to birth someone who is just like you? Because you have some narcissistic complex and think you can have prodigies that will somehow further your own greatness? Ha. Ha. Ha. Funny. Considering you can’t even predetermine their eye color, gender or disposition it is highly unlikely that you will be able to mold them into some kind of mini clone. The only way this will work is if you have been cursed by your mother who said I hope you have a child just like you. But of course when a mother says this she isn’t saying it because she thinks you were a gem of a child to raise. She’s saying it because you were a royal pain and she hopes one day you will ask for her forgiveness for giving her heck.

            Do you have children because finally a person in your life who will ALWAYS love you. First of all, I have to say, I’ve always thought this was a creepy reason to have children. You’d bring a person in the world just so they will love you? Talk about complexes. But also, let’s get real. Yes, your children will love you. But, they will spend a whole great portion of their lives being extremely selfish. It isn’t because they’re hateful little monsters. It’s because they’re children. They have to learn to be gracious, loving and charitable. That’s where your job comes in. You have to teach them these attributes. They will hug you and kiss you and want your attention, but pretty much on their terms. And you can’t really take it personally when they push you away when you need a hug. They’re just children.

            Do you have children because you are biologically incapable of not having them? I’m sure that there is a natural instinct to have children that is pretty strong. I have no doubt. But, I don’t think that can account for all of it.

            So why do we do it? What would make a woman want to go through pregnancy, labor, delivery and post-partum care of a newborn? What makes us willing to lose sleep, tears, time, dreams, solitude and freedom?

            Well, I can’t speak for everyone. But I think I know why I have children and why I didn’t stop at one.

            I see great value in children. I think God did put this child-desire in mothers and fathers. I think that God wanted us to realize in a small way how he loves us. It was no accident that God refers to himself as our Father. He could have referenced any other kind of relationship – he could have distanced himself from us because his greatness is incomparable. However, he calls himself “Father.” This is an intimate, deep and loving way for God to refer to himself. And I believe our love for our children is to be guided by the way that God loves us. God loved us so much that he sent Jesus to save us. And I believe that many parents would sacrifice their greatest treasure in order to save their own children. There aren’t many relationships in which we would be so inclined to be selfless. You can have a great love for your spouse, but that relationship is more of a reciprocal relationship. Your love for your child is unconditional. You look at your newborn and you don’t love them because they create riveting conversation, or because they are so smart, or funny, or good-looking, or because they love you so much. You love them because you honestly cannot help yourself. They are precious beyond compare and you’re so GRATEFUL that you were blessed with them being in your life.         

            And the other reason that I have children is because I think children are so awesome. I have always loved them. I love watching them discover life. I love watching their personalities and interests develop. I love the way that four-year-olds are extremely honest about their thoughts and emotions. I love that five-year-olds are hilarious as well as frank. I love that twelve-year-olds have great dreams and are beginning to form their thoughts on the world. I love that teenagers are taking all their childhood years and determining what kind of people they are going to be when they are “fully” raised. I love the whole process and I am so very very very honored to be a part of it. And as I watch Curious George 2 for the millionth time, or change another poopy diaper, or cry because I think I can’t handle another tantrum from my toddler, I am reminded that I am gifted with the responsibility of molding a precious human life. I am charged with raising a soul that will go out in the world and be a voice in humankind. A child who will most likely be a father himself. I pray that I do a good job and that my boys will not know a day without the love of the Father that we both share.

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it. -Thomas Fuller

I’ve been missing my husband pretty sorely these past few weeks. I think part of the struggle is that we’ve now celebrated the baby-can-come-at-any-time threshold. That’s a wonderful thing! But, it makes me realize that we are very near the end. My body is going through something I’ve never experienced before – the last month of pregnancy – and I really wish my husband could be here with me through these weeks.

This is a 34 week shot. The way I'm standing or
the angle makes my stomach look smaller than it is.
But, I like the picture because Jack is actually interacting
with his brother. (sort of).

            Partly I wish he were here to pamper me. I’ll be honest. I’d like somebody to come home in the evening and say, “Hey babe (not that he calls me babe), I’ll watch the toddler, you put your feet up and watch desperate housewives (even though we don’t watch that show). How about I make dinner? Yes, I can absolutely make all of your favorite dishes. You just relax.”

            The other reason I want him home is because this having a baby thing is pretty intimate between a man and his wife.  Not just in the obvious way (duh….). What I mean is, when our first child was born I felt closer to Ned than I ever had before. Our child was in the NICU and we were both overwhelmed with the love we felt for this baby. We didn’t know anything about him but he was already so infinitely precious and important and… let me just say. No one can prepare you for the love you have for your baby. And let me tell you something else, no one could prepare me for the amount of love I would also have for my husband. I already loved him a great deal, but I think what was so special is that my focus shifted from just being about our relationship. We had more in common than our marriage and that common interest was wearing diapers and sleeping and when we looked at him, we thought we might never be the same (and we weren’t).

            I want my husband around for those moments leading up to this baby’s arrival. I want him to be a part of all of it. And it does make me sad that he will be missing whole weeks of baby Finn’s growth post-partum.

            But let me take a moment and reflect on the positives for this time apart.

1)     I think Ned and I have actually grown closer during these past weeks of absence. We infinitely value our weekends together. These times apart have really helped us cherish one another and to show us how much we really care about each other.

2)     I’ve grown closer to my son. I have learned to value each little moment with him and I adore watching him grow. At times does try my patience (especially as my body grows more and more uncomfortable), but he is so dear to my heart and has only become more so since I have been charged with all of the Monday- Friday around the clock care. He is such a blessing to me and I am so thankful that God has given him to us.

my loves in september 2011

3)     I have learned to ask people for help. I truly hate asking people for help. I’m not sure if it severe shyness, pride or my upbringing that causes this (or all three), but it is REALLY hard for me to ask someone outside of my family for help. I feel awkward, lazy, no-good and like I owe someone something if I ask for help. It’s kind of pathetic, but I will mentally think of all the things I’ve done for that person to see if it merits asking them for help. I think if my deeds don’t outweigh theirs, that they will judge me. Isn’t God good to put us in situations that make us vulnerable? Isn’t that just another way to show us how much we need God and others?

4)     I am more sensitive to others in need. I am more understanding when other people need help. I am less likely to judge their situations and I feel more empathetic towards them. It isn’t wrong for me to ask for help, and it isn’t wrong for someone else to need help. It may already seem obvious that other people need help, but there’s nothing quite so convincing as personal experience. And my personal experience shows me that people in need are not less than I am. Needing help from another person may be a sign of weakness (because we are all weak), but it does not mean that people in need are of less value. Again, isn’t God so good to show me the inconsistencies of my heart?

5)     I have grown closer to my friends since Ned has been away. It is pretty easy for me to hole up in my house and keep my world relatively small. Needing other people in my life has opened my heart to growing friendships and to expanding the amount of people I let in my life. It certainly wasn’t a matter of not liking people before, but this period in our life has helped me find time to nurture other relationships. I think this is one of the biggest surprise blessings. God doesn’t just allow me to suffer in order to grow, he also allows me to have joy in my life in order to grow.

6)     My husband is happier. I’m not saying he’s happier because he isn’t around us (I know he misses us like we miss him). And our time apart is mutually bittersweet. But, when my husband was working his previous job there was a lack of joy in his life. I am not suggesting that God can’t give us contentment in any situation, but I AM suggesting that God loves us so much that he opens paths for us that are more fulfilling and suited for our desires. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to see my husband smiling when he comes home for the weekend. There is simply a change in his demeanor. Not to mention that I am overjoyed by the ways that God is growing his character as well (but that’s something he can write about in his blog, should he desire to do so J ).

7)     I have hope for the future. I think this job is a good life choice for our family. This year is a pretty big sacrifice for our family, but I think the results are going to be worth it. I am excited for the places that God will take us and the opportunities we will have to meet new people. I also think that this job will be a good experience for our boys (and possible future children). And since I am one who loves adventure, I am really just thrilled that we have selected an unconventional life.