Sometimes
I get philosophical and begin to wonder what meaning my life has. As a
Christian I could wrap it up and put a bow on it and say: The meaning of my
life is to praise God and to love Him forever. I agree that my primary purpose
is to be a child of God. However, the secondary meaning of my life, or in other
words, how I choose to live my life through the Christian lens – now that is
open for creativity.
I
am a mother but does that define me? Is that the beginning and the end of who I
am? I don’t think so. It’s pretty easy to feel like that sometimes. I can start
to feel like my body was made simply to carry and feed children. That my hands
were made only to nurture. That my personal life goals (apart from motherhood)
were permanently put on hold when I decided to get pregnant. I don’t mean
offense by this, but I think it is different for men. Perhaps culturally,
perhaps practically, perhaps biologically. I’m not suggesting that men aren’t
affected by having children. It would be narrow-minded, and dare I say sexist,
to say that men aren’t changed by it. However, I think generally speaking, women are the ones who hold the greatest
responsibility in childrearing.
Don’t
get me wrong. I think that raising children is a privilege, a blessing and an
extremely important job. It is so important to me that I spend most of my time
doing it. However, sometimes – sometimes, maybe in my weaker more human moments
– I think, but what about me? I am a dreamer. I enjoy pondering my life in
fantasies. I think it’s important to have aspirations that exceed motherhood
and the home. If for no other reason than that one day my children will grow
up.
I
already feel the condemnation of people saying that I am going to miss my children
being with me. Again, don’t misunderstand me. I don’t want my kids to leave. I
want them here with me and I can’t even imagine my life apart from them. But, I think it’s good to have dreams
that aren’t directly related to being a mother.
 |
| Poor Finn had the sun right in his eyes. |
In
case you hadn’t noticed, I’m still forming my opinion on this.
Hannah, thanks for sharing your feelings so honestly! I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts with you. I agree that as a woman, your life is more changed and affected by having children than your husband. And of course his life is profoundly changed as well, and I would never dismiss that. But as a mother, your life is changed in many practical ways that don't affect your husband, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that. But I don't think that pondering your interests and dreaming about what you want to do after your children grow up and leave your home is a "weak" thing to do. I got the impression(correct me if I'm wrong here) that you felt a little guilty for wanting interests outside of your children. It's true that you will miss your children when they leave. Some days I miss the cute, pudgy toddler my daughter used to be. But I'm enjoying her now, as she is growing into a more independent, almost young lady(she is a mature 10 year old:). Even though my kids still need me, and I do spend much of my time teaching and nurturing them, I have more time for my own interests. I think it's really important for my spiritual and mental health(and all women's health) that they have interests outside of being a mother. I encourage you to do your best as a mom and enjoy the "now", but at the same time, don't feel guilty about having interests that don't involve them. That's healthy, not weak.
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