Notes to a Husband Away: Why I Fell in Love or How I Met Your Father

Writers like to remember everything. We’re detail people. We can only see the big picture when it is made up of lots of little pictures. And we like to capture those little pictures into words to read again and again. And to remember.

Tomorrow is Ned and my fourth wedding anniversary. We’ve known each other for more than 20 years. That’s 4/5’s of our lives. I have many memories of Ned. Some funny ones. Some serious ones. Some he’d probably rather I didn’t remember. But who would have known all those years of watching each other go through childhood, awkward (especially me) teenage years, independent college years – that we were actually developing into each other’s greatest companions. If I had to choose one person in my life who has allowed me to be myself – it would be him.

I am reminded as I sit here of the reasons that I fell in love with Ned. I don’t want these memories to slip away as our anniversaries pile up. So while they’re still within my memory’s reach I am going to write some of them down. So I can look back in anniversary futures and remember…

Why I fell for Ned.

1.       He read (or attempted to read) the books that I recommended. Like Franny and Zooey and “A Perfect Day for Bananafish,” The Things They Carried and The Princess Bride.

2.       He watched Mary Poppins with me and I wanted him to hold my hand.

3.       Even before we were anything more than friends to each other he sent me silly text messages and a horse brush while I was in Montana.

4.       He wore cowboy boots.

5.       He could drive a tractor.

6.       He was good to his family and really cared about his brothers.

7.       He was pretty good at playing football. And looked pretty cute when he played. And he let me play too.

8.       His mother had horses.

9.       He was not arrogant or aggressive. Or overly flirty.

10.                                 He had dark hair.

11.                                 He could use a chainsaw.

12.                                 He had nothing against making snow angels and going sled riding and walking around at night on snowy sidewalks.

13.                                 He was a gentleman.

14.                                 He was an outdoorsman.

15.                                 He talked to me about the Bible and God and the grand things that are out of our natural scope of understanding.

16.                                 He was a dreamer who thirsted for adventure and seeing new places. We were going to go all over the world.

17.                                 He visited me in Montana.

18.                                 He took a class about Africa to spend more time with me.

19.                                 He had a blue jacket that I thought was the most attractive piece of clothing a man could wear (besides the cowboy boots).

20.                                 He was a hard worker.

21.                                 He was very kind and had a natural patience with people.

22.                                 He read my stories.

23.                                 He took beautiful photographs.

24.                                 He was sometimes unsure of himself in a way that made me fall to pieces. I thought he was so endearing.

25.                                 He had good taste in movies and music.

26.                                 He walked me home from work and helped me make Thursday night dinners.

27.                                 He was really stubborn.

28.                                 He drove a truck.

29.                                 He wanted to have children.

30.                                 He put me in my place even though it made me mad.

31.                                 He went on a backpacking trip in the middle of winter with my brothers and friends and we sang songs with BenBen on the way back down the Laurel Highlands trail.

32.                                 He was intuitive.
33.                    I liked his humor.

34.                                 He loved God.

Go dig up your time capsule and the blueprints for your rocket

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” – Dr. Seuss – Oh the Places You’ll Go

         Ned’s training is coming to an end and I am filled with so many emotions and so many thoughts. I’m ready for this portion of our life to begin. I am ready for my husband to be part of our family. And yet, I’m anxious for the changes. I have been relatively on my own for the past 10 months. I’ve etched out a different kind of life with the boys and without Ned home. I tend to be comfortable with whatever is normal – and the current normal is Ned spending more time away than he does at home. In fact, that has been our normal since Jack was born – though not quite so distant as now.

            There are some things that changed while Ned was away. For one, I am really fast at mowing the lawn – and not too bad at it, either. Finn was born and I learned to take care of two kids primarily by myself. I learned to ask people for help and I developed some friendships that I really cherish – some friendships that I may have been too shy to start while Ned was home. I can go grocery shopping with one kid wrapped to my body and the other chomping on McDonald’s fries. When the kids go to bed, the time is entirely my own. I can write, grade papers, draw pictures, watch stupid TV shows. I learned how to replace the drain stop in the tub (I was so proud that I wanted to post pictures of it on facebook, but I didn’t). I take care of the vehicles – the oil changes, the inspections, the repairs. I order the oil for the furnace. I decide if and when the kids need to go to the doctor. I’ve hosted a bon-fire, caregroup and countless girl’s nights. The boys determine a lot of my life – but after that, the decisions are all mine to make.

            These months of limbo are difficult. Will we stay here? Will we move? My adventurous side wants to see new areas and meet new people. My daughter side wants to stay put.

            I will be twenty-seven in a few months and I am determining what kind of woman I want to be. I am determining what I may want to do with my life; Who I want to be. What I want to accomplish. I am constantly trying to gain perspective on what I am doing now – what benefit I am now to my family, my world, my God. Wondering if I am doing enough both for God and for my own fulfillment. Wondering what is really important and what is selfish. Wondering what God is going to do with all of this independence that has been built up over the past year and more.