Go dig up your time capsule and the blueprints for your rocket

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” – Dr. Seuss – Oh the Places You’ll Go

         Ned’s training is coming to an end and I am filled with so many emotions and so many thoughts. I’m ready for this portion of our life to begin. I am ready for my husband to be part of our family. And yet, I’m anxious for the changes. I have been relatively on my own for the past 10 months. I’ve etched out a different kind of life with the boys and without Ned home. I tend to be comfortable with whatever is normal – and the current normal is Ned spending more time away than he does at home. In fact, that has been our normal since Jack was born – though not quite so distant as now.

            There are some things that changed while Ned was away. For one, I am really fast at mowing the lawn – and not too bad at it, either. Finn was born and I learned to take care of two kids primarily by myself. I learned to ask people for help and I developed some friendships that I really cherish – some friendships that I may have been too shy to start while Ned was home. I can go grocery shopping with one kid wrapped to my body and the other chomping on McDonald’s fries. When the kids go to bed, the time is entirely my own. I can write, grade papers, draw pictures, watch stupid TV shows. I learned how to replace the drain stop in the tub (I was so proud that I wanted to post pictures of it on facebook, but I didn’t). I take care of the vehicles – the oil changes, the inspections, the repairs. I order the oil for the furnace. I decide if and when the kids need to go to the doctor. I’ve hosted a bon-fire, caregroup and countless girl’s nights. The boys determine a lot of my life – but after that, the decisions are all mine to make.

            These months of limbo are difficult. Will we stay here? Will we move? My adventurous side wants to see new areas and meet new people. My daughter side wants to stay put.

            I will be twenty-seven in a few months and I am determining what kind of woman I want to be. I am determining what I may want to do with my life; Who I want to be. What I want to accomplish. I am constantly trying to gain perspective on what I am doing now – what benefit I am now to my family, my world, my God. Wondering if I am doing enough both for God and for my own fulfillment. Wondering what is really important and what is selfish. Wondering what God is going to do with all of this independence that has been built up over the past year and more.